by Peter Leidy
I talk to God a lot. I say thanks. I cry out for help. I ask why. Why war? Why biting flies? Why Michael Bolton?

Sometimes I tell God what I think he and she (I believe God's both, and more) should do. I'm pretty sure God listens without necessarily feeling compelled to incorporate my advice into the Divine Plan.

So when Lucy asked me to write something called "If I were God," I jumped at the chance. Not because I'd truly like to run the Universe (that would be way too much work) but because an omnipotence fantasy could be fun. Plus, I think God reads the Mouth (subscription up to date?) so maybe this'll influence the big guy/gal. All part of my fantasy.

If I were God, I'd do something about Voice of the
If I were God, I'd find a completely different career for Dr. Laura Schlesinger, one that involved her taking a vow of silence. I'd create a cable channel with live Survivor-style coverage of John Ashcroft living his life on camera. Every year, with hype only surpassed by the Super Bowl, viewers would get up close and personal at his annual prostate exam. There'd be four cameras on that one, and a contest where the winner would actually get to perform the exam on live television.

Oh, let's see. Think I'd
Retarded. Something drastic. I'd start by making sure that all communication from them fund-raising letters, action alerts, testimony before elected officials, speeches at Rotary would be met with laughter. Knee-slapping, gut-clutching, outta control laughter. Legislative committee members doubled over, Rotarians on the floor. Replies to direct mail campaigns pouring into VOR headquarters, all saying the same thing: "Dear VOR,

In response to your request, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

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parties, more gardens and some cool affordable housing.

It's easy to dream up things I'd like to do as the Almighty. What's harder is this business about free will. I don't believe God wants to do for us what we can do for ourselves. With the outpouring of love in Creation comes the gift of freedom. We get to choose whether or not to be engaged, whether to be active or passive, to empower or to pity, to work for change or the status quo.

Which makes for a more difficult question than what I
vaporize every McDonald's (okay, okay, when no one's inside) and replace them with gardens. Same for Wal-Marts.

I'd release prisoners who committed nonviolent crimes and prisoners convicted for crimes they didn't commit, and prisoners convicted of no crime at all, leaving lots of empty nursing homes, jails, and other institutions. Vaporizing those buildings would deprive too many people of the satisfaction of helping knock them down, so there'd be sledgehammers for everybody. After the demolition
would do if I were God: What will I do since I'm not?

Well, gotta go. My reign is about up, and I'm beat. Humdeedum... think I'll see what's on the tube. What the... Oh my GOD! Is that John Ashcroft's butt?