Field Guide to the North American Fundsucker from Mouth magazine, March 1998 observed in the field by Josie Byzek and Jennifer Burnett illustrated from live specimens by Scott Chambers*       The Tailor-Suited Slickbill Habitat: Its showy plumage can be spotted in legislators' offices, although its preferred habitat is the schmooze party. Does its elaborate mating dance for crips and congressmen alike. Feeding habits: When the banquet is set and issues are finally on the table, the Slickbill uses its commanding presence to make a muddle of our hard work. In its effort to 'help,' crip issues somehow hit the dirt. Not a true fundsucker, it belongs in the sub-class of fund-muddler. Call: HERE... let ME help... The Brown-Nosed Dipper Habitat: Intent on preserving the status quo, the Dipper is found at meetings with the upper crust of do-nothing bureaucrats. Known to infiltrate disability rights gatherings frequently. Nests can be found in ivory towers. Feeding Habits: Excellent grant writers, they divert disability funding streams into their own coffers by applying for systems change grants, then supporting the system they've pledged to change. Call: These things take TIME       The Pork-Bellied Blue Jay Feeding Habits: Financial opportunity lures it from its usual big-business habitat to siphon funds from disability support systems. Flies back to its own kind with new-found wealth, signalling a feeding frenzy. Habitat: Transportation, housing, and other service providers' boards and offices. Call: Me-Me-More-MORE The Bendover Boobie Feeding habits: This carnivorous variety of fundsucker seeks its prey by making unannounced visits to the habitat of disability rights activists. Lures prey with false hopes of an action plan to fix the system; reels in prey with empty promises. Goes in for the kill by scavenging crip ideas for its own grant applications. Habitat: SILCs, DD Councils, P&As, UAPs Call: Trust me - TRUST me         The Fuzz-Capped Grouse Habitat: Every board has one. Feeding habits: This busy bird rears its head whenever it fears true progress might be made. Paralyzes action with a dither of inaction, feeding on the confusion caused by its distracting behavior. Although this elite grouse ends up fat and happy, the rights group on whose behalf it causes a stir starves for lack of action and funds. Call: Point of OR-der!   Yes, we'd love for you to subscribe to Mouth magazine. Click here, as hard as you can. Visit our page on Lifestyles of the Helping and Professional. *Scott Chambers, cartoonist and visionary, may be reached via email at cal@mouthmag.com. Mouth bought the rights to use these cartoons first, but Scott holds the copyright to them. For reprint permissions on the cartoons, address him directly. Mouth holds the copyright, ©1997, on the Field Guide. Although Mouth invented the term fundsucker, we are delighted to see the term in wide use. Jennifer Burnett and Josie Byzek are full-time advocates in the employ of the Pennsylvania Coalition of Citizens with Disabilities. Both also write on a somewhat regular basis for Mouth.